Reviving Memories
by NewPaladin
Summary: It is not friendship alone that keeps Seth close to the twins.


Author's Note at the bottom of the fic.

Warning for creepiness.

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><p>Whenever the conference debates move onto a topic not related to the military, Seth feels his attention wander. His gaze never fails to crawl over the table, the map and as inconspicuously as possible to the young king. He is quite practised in inconspicuously watching people from the corner of his eye – it has saved his liege´s life a few times – so he doesn't fear that anyone will ever catch him red-handed.<p>

His gaze is caught by the young king´s hands – they are surprisingly small, no comparison to _his_ – and then trails up his arms and chest – also so much smaller – to his face. His eyes linger on his cheek bones; they're not as pronounced as _his_, but it is close enough for Seth. He can remember _him_ when looking at Ephraim, remembering the times _he_ stared down at him because he was a foolish boy back then, remembering that one time after battle when they were all ecstatic and _he_ pulled him into a half hug and his cheek had touched _his_. Sometimes he tries to revive the feeling from that day, _his_ sweaty skin against his, but it works only rarely.

Sometimes he wants to try and see if touching Ephraim´s cheek would feel the same, but he would never dare to actually do it.

He doesn't believe that anyone sees this desire in his eyes when he looks at the young king.

–

When he talks to the princess, his gaze often flickers to her smile. She smiles more openly than Ephraim and it's closer to _his_ smile. _His_ smile was broad and big, showing all of his teeth. Ephraim´s smile is small and Seth is not interested in it. Eirika´s is better; laugh lines always appear at the corners of her mouth. They're not as deep as _his_ and not partially hidden behind a beard, but it is close enough and so Seth is content.

He tries to use sweet words sometimes to make her laugh. He doesn't believe it's right to act like this and to deceive her – to act as if he has interest in her (and not just because he is using her) and give false hope. To play a game that will be forever stuck in the middle. But he needs to see the smile, to remember _his_ smile and laugh and the happiness that always washed over him when he saw it. When her smile fades and she leaves, he feels empty and knows that _he_ would disapprove.

But he never stops.

–

When he talks to Ephraim outside of meetings, he often looks him directly in the eye. Some people become uncomfortable under his gaze and shift and avoid to return it. Ephraim doesn't and it makes Seth happy. Ephraim´s gaze is quite similar to _his_; a bit weary at the moment, serious when they are talking about his work (he is also serious when they do not talk about work, but then Seth doesn't like to look, because _he_ only looked like that when _he_ was stressed). There are wrinkles at the corners of his eyes when he frowns. Stress lines that _he_ also had. Though _he_ did not only gain _his_ lines from stress but also from happiness and age. They do not mean the same, but they are close enough for Seth.

He can pretend.

–

When he wants to remember the spark in _his_ eyes, he goes to Eirika. It is often there when she is occupied with things she likes – organizing, working, socialising with her friends and subordinates. They're not as filled with humour as _his_ but her eyes glow and flash with the same confidence, determinedness and contentedness. He is again showing too much personal interest in her, he knows that. But when he sees her spark and her smile together, so many feelings befall him again – heat in his veins, giddiness washing over his face (which he tries not to show), his heart thumping in his ears, the nervousness tickling in the tips of his fingers – and he wants them.

She believes he acts like this because of her. He is a coward for not telling her.

–

At the end of the day – of every day – he promises himself to stop. To stop bringing his memories of _him_ back up again and again, and to stop using the twins. He is disgusting and he knows it. And yet, the last thought before falling asleep is about _him_ and the first thought after waking up is planning how he can revive his memories today. He can't win against his desires.

He stops fighting eventually and feels disgusted. He is sure _he_ would detest him for it. _He _hated dishonesty. But Seth can't stop loving _him_. So he prays for forgiveness and even if he doesn't get it, if he'll pay for it after his death, he can't bring himself to care.

He loves Fado and he'll continue to search for him in his children. And in a way he loves them as well, doesn't he?

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><p>AN: So, my creeperSeth fic ;P Prompted by a very pretty pic with Fado and Seth. Thanks to it I ship slightly messed up FadoSeth now. (If anyone wants a link to said pic, just ask. tends to eat link adresses.

This is kind of 'big' "what if?" situation for me since I don't believe in general that Seth would be unable to get over an unrequited love. He doesn't seem like he would to me personally. However, playing with "what if?"s is awesome and fun.


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